Goodbye 2012 and welcome 2013!

This is the moment where I feel time really flies. I felt that I've missed so much, too much of things in 2012, and without realizing it, it's coming to an end and 2013 is just less than 24 hours later.

I had a rough year I guess, despite the saying that 2012 is good for piggies. Well, it might be good as in it is a  blessing and lesson learnt year. After a continuous of 8 years in relationships, I am back in the market all alone again. I thought I will get married this year but well, things changed faster than what we have planned for. However, that could be a blessing for me after all. Nevertheless, I want to thank Ocean for taking care of me and giving me everything in our 4 years of relationship. I appreciated it a lot.

I have known many of amazing people in my life in 2012 as well. The importance of having quality friends around me, realizing I have many great friends who supported me through my rough patch. I really appreciate their existence in my life, sharing my tears and laughter. They have opened my mind and made me a more generous person.

I have read a lot this year as well, not my text books but many of motivational and self help range. Regina Brett brought me closer to God. Shelley taught me how to pray to God. Elin made me realize how God's approaches for me. Zynn taught me to optimize the usage of Law of Attraction. Menh Chooi kept checking up on me and I realized I can be a more caring person. I also learnt that what doesn't kill you, makes you a stronger person, very true indeed. When you have reach the bottom, you will always bounce back and you will never stay at the bottom. These are invaluable knowledge. Thank God for everything.

Looking back, I have not been an active participant in previous 8 years compared to this year. I enjoyed my time with my colleagues, ex colleagues, friends, diving buddies and my lifeguard friends a lot this year despite a rough beginning. When I started to let go of whatever is holding me back, I found my wholesome smile, my happy go lucky self back again. Quoting from a page "如果你找到一个能够笑得深刻的人,你一定会发现他也曾经哭得非常深刻" That's very true.

Life has never been greater!

I welcome 2013 with open heart! :D

Quote from Rabbi Ben Ezra by Robert Browning

Grow old along with me!

The best is yet to be,

The last of life, for which the first was made:

Our times are in His hand

Who saith "A whole I planned,

Youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be afraid!''

Keep it sweet

Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones - Proverbs 16:24

一切都会过去的

看到杨丞琳-少年维特的烦恼的MV发现原来我也曾经那样歇斯底里的呐喊过。有一点难以置信。但是那时事实。还好现在的我已经找回自我。知道自己要什么，可能还没肯定的找到要走的方向。但是生活就是一场adventure，需要慢慢发觉，寻觅。果然，一切都会随着时间而淡化，过去。感谢神对我生命的安排，虽然是走了崎岖的路，但是让我发现了很多道理，经验了很多事情。回头看，一切都是blessings。:)

a great post by Suanie!

I must share Suanie's post here. The path to look for our ancestry back in Fuzhou, China :D

How we unexpectedly found our relatives in China

I was rather skeptical of those relatives claiming they were the real relatives until I saw the pictures of our great grandparents. That gave me enough goosebumps! I'm so happy to read this post!

2012 world's end

Do you believe in 2012 world's end?
2012 has made me a better person with sorts of life lessons. Thank God for that. I appreciate it very much.
Stepping in December, I find myself happy again, smiles are back, my heart is open. 

Happy

I like to have something in my mind to make me happy, I think I found me back.
Smile from the heart. I found my wholesome smile back again!

想幸福的人

听了好心痛的一首歌，但是好好听。

The perks of being a wallflower

This movie caught my attention when I read that Nina Dobrev was in it, then later realize Emma Watson's in it too. After watching the trailer, I decided that to watch it. Jen was great to join me watching the movie!

The story talks about a introvert teenage guy and his life in the highschool. How he overcame his problems in his heart. I shan't reveal the story too much as there are synopsis on it. I enjoy watching this movie. Very interesting one.

The last script in the movie tell us about to live our life to the fullest, I was so touched by what the boy said. It's too bad that I can't find it online, neither that I could recall it. I am so happy that I've watched a nice movie after months!

Viva la vida

I felt so energetic and positive when I listen to this song. I didn't dwell into the lyrics, but the rhythm and groove of this song is so good!

 

Beautiful world

I realized that I have become like a kayu. Despite always saying people kayu. LOL
Just had a talk with Zynn and I was enlightened by her, as always. She's my motivator and good source of positiveness. Knowing different people lights up my day.

The world is so beautiful :)

Bluekkk

Writing a thesis is just like giving birth to a baby. Maybe I cannot compare like that as I never given to any birth. But this is causing me to puke so much!

Submitting tomorrow. Gambate!

Interesting life

Life is so interesting when you get to expand your social circles. Get in touch with people that you never imagined that will stumble across.

When I am feeling sad about how i felt, my emotions, people are fighting hard for their life. And these are the people that I know. Reflecting myself as who I am, I need to remind myself of how lucky I am and keep this gratitude in my heart always. I do felt that I grew up a lot in this year :) I felt a sudden gush of happiness in me.

It's inspiring!

Grateful

I was chatting with coll J on friday and realized how lucky I am. I was not born to a wealthy family, but at least my parents know that they must push us for our education. I am glad that the people around us had good influence on us. Having uncles who were teachers, doctor, having cousin Bea's family as high achievers. I guess that really influence my parents to understand that education really bring difference in our lives.

Maybe compare to my peers, I do not earn much. However, what I am earning now may be the whole family income of my cousins who just finished their secondary education. It's sad to hear that my niece do not dare to register herself to Chinese high school because the father may not be able to pay for her education there on. I hope she gets her way in to the school. And even if she doesn't, I really wished that she can maintain herself as a high performer in education. I never faced this kind of situation before in my life. Neither my siblings. If we need to study, and we do not have the means, we will stick to government education. I guess it's a choice to make. 

When coll J told me her family was poor and she still headed to TARC for her education, I was quite puzzled. Because STPM doesn't cost you any money at all, maybe just a couple hundreds of examination fees. The question pops up because for me, if I knew that I don't have the money, so choose the cheaper way. There's no need to make your life even harder. End result will still be the same. We get to graduate from university. Maybe my influence comes from cousin Bea's family. Cousin Will and Bea made it to local U  through STPM, without spending much of family's income. But I can understand that coll J's life wasn't that easy. She had gone through quite a lot to be here now. And I am grateful that my parents gave us a comfortable environment and life. Not giving us with any burdens especially financial ones. 

Life is so amazing. People around us always bring new thoughts and insights to us. Open up my mind and allow me to count my blessings. That's the beauty of life and I am glad that I am alive to savour every bit of it :D

stress out

despite my thesis, i have to search on iproperty everyday for house. Looking at the house price nowadays, i feel even more stress. Not happy today :(

Sometimes I just need someone who really cares and loves me...
I don't know how long I'm gonna hold up, how to make it through the rough times.
I just hope the rough patch is going to be over soon enough. 

正能量！

回想过去，看到自己的behavior真的是让我觉得很糟糕。但是也不能改变结果了。我只能做好自己，学着把自己的缺点改掉。代价是很痛，但是我相信未来会是美好的！要坚强和充满正能量！

经过这件事，我才发现正能量是多么的重要啊。。。

Passion versus Rejection

感觉上好像不错，但是又如何知道各自心里的想法呢？
努力着去追寻的爱情，但是又有这不确定和不安全感。
我不知道我的passion在面对rejection多少次会被浇熄。。。

亲爱的

This is a song I heard from radio. very soothing song

终于

今天，我终于又分手了。我想这是第3次了吧。从一月过年的一次，四月一次 和十月。都是同一个人。4年的感情剩下的只是唏嘘。我从来没有那么爱过一个人，就在生死关头都会想的人。会低声下气，放下尊严的想要爱的人。我想这是学习爱人的过程吧。
但是我在这里学会的是更了解自己，更会处理自己的情绪。没有压抑的，而是平静的。对于理念不同的需要清楚自己是否可以说了就算，还是会耿耿于怀。我更学会看清楚，原来每个人都是自私的。当你要把自己觉得对的思想套如另一个人的身上，不是自私吗？相处的方式没有对或错，而是大家都可以接受的方式。旁观者又知道多少呢？

幸好我是勇敢的，对自己是诚实的。现在的我，有时候会怀疑自己。然而，朋友们说，很多事情没有对错，而是看法不同。我也同意。感情的失败，没有对错。只是想法和心都不同了。

套一句我最爱的作家Regina Brett 说的话，果然当头棒喝。
You don't need someone to tolerate you, you need someone to celebrate you.

很多事情神都会有安排。当我祈祷着神给于我引导的时候，我听到的。但是我又非常的执著。然后当我决定相信的时候，有发现了一些信息，让我心灰意冷。发现的过程是不好的方法。但是这是否是一个考验？让我决定是否能跨过。还是这是一个指引？告诉我结果。我不知到。我想信我们都做了对于自己最好的选择，然后就可以轻松自在的开开心心过自己的日子了。希望彼此以后都幸福吧！

Truth

Everyone would like to know about the truth of everything. However, when you realized the truth, the fact is you may just be shocked and felt disappointed and so scary about it. Contradicting isn't it?

Happy Birthday to me :)

My last 20s birthday, should dedicate this blog to myself and my mum.
Thanks to my mum for giving birth to me, bear with me and love me. I am quite sorry that at some point I let her down and worry very much for me.
To myself, life is a journey full with lessons, no matter up and down, appreciate every moment and savour it regardless bitter or sweet. 2012 is a rough year for me. I shall grab the last few months to make it a good year.

My birthday wish?
I want to graduate my MBA by this year.
I want to get a higher pay job.
and the last shall remain to myself.

Thank you God and please continue to bless me! 

Book of Gratitude

I decided to keep a book of gratitude, did not manage to find an app for my mobile, and have not yet access to my cute notebook gave to me by Hui Hong, I decided to keep it here first.

Day 1: 

1. Today's lunch at work is good, with a sweet watermelons and oranges!

2. Sharon treated us with Kluang famous mooncake yeay!

Life is great when you appreciate little things around you =)

C'est La Vie

Life taught us to be independent.
When I needed you the most, you weren't there. I believe it is the same for you.
When I needed you to stand by me, you were at the opposite side.
At the end of the day, we are all left alone to be independent.

When you did something wrong, admit it. Not unravel another person's mistake to distract and deny of your own. That is also an independence in yourself, isn't it?

Life is not tie with a bow, but it is still a gift -  Regina Brett
I just hope she will publish her third book soon!

Hawaii 5 0

This is a show I quite like it. But I have stopped watching because I'm scared. It ravels my wound. :(

人事已非

看着以前的照片，好怀念。才发现，人会变，了解到景物依旧，人事已非的道理。
那么开心的时间，原来已经回不去了。然后我又哭了。。。

幸福额度

这部电影让我最印象深刻的是最后的旁白。

为了爱情，为了幸福的人生，我们应该奋不顾身，不惜一切代价。

Blessed

The lesson of life has taught me to look wider. Knowing new people like Victoria taught me that every success person in fact has a story behind them. She has came such a long way. Even when coll C has a happy family, she has another story behind her life too, which I think I could not handle her life at all.

Thanks to Sze Yin, who really lifted me when I was down. After talking to her, I was somehow enlightened and wake up from my negativeness towards life. Although I did not give her a piece of good news everyday, but I felt blessed everyday. Regina Brett's books taught me a lot too. Thanks to her books!

Time to turn to bed and pray. 

Thesis

I was replying a friend's message on my MBA progress, wonder why I have yet to complete my thesis. The answer, I was too distraughted. Can't face the fact of my life and can't pick myself up.
However, I do believe things will find its way.

I really hope I can finish by November. I will! 

it's time

face it

原来我的心还是在隐隐做痛的。即使我不停的祈祷，看书，分散我的时间。在自己静下来的时候，在睡前的时候，在醒来的时候，还是落寞的。

改变生活态度的当儿，面对现实的当儿，还是会对于这样的状况感到心痛。
了解到，当我在心碎和痛哭得时候。其实根本你也是不在乎的

change

i want to change my life!

Downtime

2012 has been a rough year since the beginning. I look forward for a fantatic ending for this year. The downtime of my life (till now) has taken a toll on me. Total emotion breakdown for god knows how many times. I never been crying this much, which I thought I will not since 2008. Standing on the electronic weighing machine, I realized that I was 26 yrs old back then. I never pray this much as well. I am glad that I have truthful friends to support me, carry me with I am down. I can't bear to talk to mum at all. Knowing how much the people around me loves me is the biggest gift for me. I thank God. I have been negative for so long without even realizing. It is time to feel the positivity of life and treasure what has been given by God. Everything happens for a reason and everything will fall into their designated places when the time come. I just need to have faith. 

Will it be true?

Can God hear my prayers?
update: I think God hears me :)

Be brave

I realized that I am not that brave anyway. I may look tough, happy from the outside, but then I realized, I have been too dependent. Or I am never really that brave anyway. Chicken heart still within me. 

I need some courage!

enlightenment

终于明白诸事不宜的道理。 所以什么都不许要做。

Moody

It is another rough day for me. 

Rantings

You consoled me saying you will be back on month end, and a few hours later delay by two months. Mood swings. Where else could I see the functional word?

Full with emotions

Reading a book can make me cry so much, watching a show can make me cry so much too. I'm such a cry baby...

Black Monday

I asked some questions on Monday, and it triggered the argument again. Why I need to ask this kind of questions during my working hours? Because you want me to think for you, I cannot touch this topic during your working hours, during your weekdays because it will impact your mood. So I asked on weekend, during your night time, as you said, at least it will not spoil your day. But you asked me back again, won't it impact my mood? There isn't any better time other than using my time, at least this is what I can think of. Apparently it is not good enough for you. I guess maybe you do not even know what you want, but picking on everything I try to do, to work on.

It was a bad Monday for me. After seeing what you have type, listened to what you said to me. Reflecting all the hurtful but truth that been told to me. Even I am amazed with my persistence to hang on despite each word is slashing my heart. You asked me what did I work so hard on? Is it so hard to work on? In fact, I got to work hard on feeling numb and quickly heal the wound of your words caused, to forgo the pain and to  persist on.

My tear flowed non stop that day. I cried so much on the way back home and went hysteria in car. I screamed so much like I never scream before, cried non stop and it was so painful.  I remembered cooking spaghetti and eating together with my tears. I remembered my fingers was in the hot water but it was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. The pain is so excruciating that I have to pray to God to bring away my pain. I don't know what else I can do besides praying.


Dear God, I pray to you please bring away the pain and sadness in my broken heart. Please heal me so that I can be strong again. Thank you.

轰轰烈烈

我曾经问你我们的爱情算不算是轰轰烈烈，你说，我们又没有分开，不是轰轰烈烈。原来轰轰烈烈的爱情是我不可以承受的。

nice quote

一辈子，就做一次自己。这一次，我想给你全世界。这一次，遍体鳞伤也没关系。这一次，用尽所有的勇敢。 这一次，可以什么都不在乎。但只是这一次就够了。因为生命再也承受不起这么重的爱情。愿意为你丢弃自尊，放下矜持，不管值不值，不管爱得多卑微。我爱你，没有什么目的。

scary

如果你爱的人已经不爱你了，
如果你还是对他非常的执着，
在原地打滚痛苦地爱着守着，
时过境迁泪流干之後你会发现，
是自己挖了坑，扑了个大陷阱
下面埋葬的全部都是你的青春.


其实我很执着，所以我很害怕。
害怕其实我一直在替自己挖坟墓。
但是我又很想勇敢的追求我自己的爱和幸福。

Consideration??

when you were doing something else for others, what were you thinking in your mind? did you have me in your mind when doing that for others? if you claimed that you loved me so much and even before yourself. whilst you got no time to talk to me, you have all the time you want to talk non stop to others. what were in your mind then? i really wish to know.

幸福

即使我的幸福还不知在何处，去参加朋友婚礼的我。是对他们深表慢慢祝福。

亲爱的自己

亲爱的自己，好好爱自己，没人会心疼你。
如果不开心了就找个角落或者在被子里哭一下，
你不需要别人同情可怜，可以哭一场，
但是不能轻易放弃。亲爱的自己，
学会控制自己的情绪，谁都不欠你，
所以不要随便跟人发脾气耍性子。
亲爱的自己，就算没有人懂得欣赏你，
你也要有勇气，好好爱自己，相信自己

Excuses

I have learnt, do not find excuses to cover for the promises that you made but you can't fulfill or live up. A promise is a promise. If you cannot live it up, just admit it. Do not find excuses to cover for it, because we all knew those are excuses. Isn't it?

依赖

不要太依赖一个人，因为依赖,
所以期望，因为期望，所以失望，切记...


我好难过。。。

Stress

Hectic meetings have taken away my appetite for dinner. I don't think I have been performing well at work recently. Quite distracted :(

Gambate! My recent posts have been very negative and I hope it will make a turn northwards!

love is

你会不会知道你爱不爱一个人呢?爱是那么理智的吗？可以以一个checklist 说到完的吗？爱只是一种感觉，一种心动的感觉。如果心动都没有了，那么剩下的是什么呢？

感觉啊

我好像已经不知道恋爱的感觉是怎样的了

能力

有时候，做不到的事情就还是不要信誓旦旦的说。否则就变成狼来了的故事里的狼了。诚信何存？

拳王

我竟然可以为了拳王的大结局哭的稀里哗啦。

人生有四苦

一是看不透。
看不透人际中的纠结、争斗后的隐伤，
看不透喧嚣中的平淡、繁华后的宁静。

二是舍不得。舍不得曾经的精彩、不逮的岁月，
舍不得居高时的虚荣得意处的掌声。

三是输不起。输不起一段情感之失，
输不起一截人生之败。

四是放不下。放不下已经走远的人与事，
放不下早已尘封的是与非。


Wow, all strike here. No wonder I'm so bitter-ish

Temper talk

A bad temper can screw everything up. I should learn to control my temper. Having said many times, but this is the point where I shall walk the talk.

Karma

一切事情的发生皆是因果。

ending

Nearly 4 years of relationship, it just ended abruptly via gtalk chat. How ironic. I don't even had a chance to talk face to face at all. And when I had the chance for a face to face talk, I screwed it up. Guess that's law of attraction. My subconscious was towards the negative path, thus I screwed it. 原来幸福存款也有到期的时候。到期了被领走剩下的是破碎的心。景物依旧，人面全非。

1:2

现在快乐对我来说好像是痛苦的一半。得到1分的快乐，没想到痛苦竟然是x 2 的。还真的害怕有这样的痛苦。也已经不知道如何再和别人相处了。好像失去信心一样。sigh

爱情是美好的，但是它所带来的痛已开始让我却步。我现在已经不知道要如何再爱了。

Bravery

I thought I'm getting better. But I'm actually not. Sometimes I felt really depressed and I think it's dangerous. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I need to go through all these? If both of us broke up crying, why we still need to break up? I know there are more things for me to face in the coming months and I shall brace up myself for it. I will pick up pieces of my broken heart and put them back together again, I hope.

I have to say sorry to my thesis because I have to extend to another semester before I can grad. 

A gift from my bestie!

The best way out of difficulty is through it. Thanks Menh Chooi! Love you lots!

Looking forward for 3rd May

Time really flies and I've spent my whole first quarter feeling sad, devastated and non stop crying. Well, although I still feel sad, like I cried non stop again yesterday, but life still goes on. Which means, my vacation to Bali is still a big ON. It's so nice to be with my family!

I am delighted to get a news on wednesday night from my boss, and it shall be revealed when everything is confirmed.

Me, Myself and I

人人心中都有一把尺，
而且常常以自己的标准去度量别人的长短，
尤其是特别注意别人的短处，然后加以挑剔和批评。
人生短暂又宝贵，何不将批评别人、管人闲事的时间省起来，
管理自己更实际！ 通过学习佛法，好好修正自己，
客观地自我评估，自我管理。

Quote of the day

Saw a quote from a friend's FB. Self motivation indeed. Although I'm feeling down, sad, cry every now and then, and I don't even know how to feel attracted to others now; I must tell myself I will survive.

When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you end up polished and they end up useless. ― Chris Colfer

topic-less

Took a view on a few friend's blog, none really persistent in writing one. Guess now everyone has turned to FB and nothing to blog about.

Happy weekend!

如何收拾心情？

我们一直以为可以到的未来还是到不了。终于我们还是走到了这里，一个我们都不想要的句点。
我才了解情歌之所以可以那么痛，因为真的是这样。我才体会，一半做事都可以一半流泪。那种煎熬，真的好痛苦。原来我有那么多眼泪，可以哭湿很多件衣服。

我以为，我已经好一些了，毕竟都几个月的时间了。原来都是自己想像的武装，都是虚构的。原来，我还是一直在崩溃着。朋友们都劝我要收拾心情，向前看。我也知道那是我唯一的路。但是，眼泪还是 停不下来。虽然我知道我很渺小，但是我的心还是很痛。破了个大洞，都碎了满地。要怎么拼凑回去呢？

我真的受伤了

如果你真的爱过一个人，你这么会让他如此的受伤？当别人在攻击他的时候，你也不会站出来，维护他。你这么会那么的狠心，把你深深爱过的人，伤的体无完肤呢？

Haha

If people told me go to hell, I'll say, I will see you there, or maybe not, because I'm in heaven. Sorry to disappoint you.

坚强

看到好友如此的坚强，我真的自叹不如。好微不足道。加油吧！我们都能找到属于自己的幸福的。

Calm

面对你，怎么都冷静不了。再多的话，也一次一次的把我推到谷底。

Time to wake up!

Painkiller

请问，心痛有止痛药吗？有停止眼泪的药吗？
要怎样才会停止心痛，停止眼泪不停的流？
我都跌到不知道应该怎样再站起来了。

No mood at all

I am guilty to my blog. Never update it for long time. But I also don't know how to update. I have no mood to do so at all. 

how many times?

I have lose track how many times I have cried. No matter how I told myself I must be brave and not to cry anymore, but I'm still crying. Maybe I have clocked the record of 1 litre of tears. 哭过真的就会好了吗？

mood

Frankly speaking, I haven't been really happy since the outburst of my relationship from CNY 2012 till now. Sigh

Quote of the day

如果真的有一天，某个回不來的人消失了，某个离不开的人离开


了，也沒关系。時間会把最正确的人带到你的身边，可是在此之


前，你所要做的，就是好好的照顾自己

Temporarily??

When you having problems, face it. Not avoiding it, not running away from it.
Can you do that?

thoughts

有一种想见不敢见的伤痛，有一种爱还埋藏在我心中，
我只能把你放在我的心中
这一种想见不敢见的伤痛，让我对你的思念越来越浓
我却只能把你放在我心中

我们的爱真的只有这样吗？如果已经可以到谈婚论嫁的地步，为什么还会这样？